Planet of the Apes 2001: Tutus? Oh Boy, Are They Angry Now
Premise: Sci-Fi Slapstick (as is anything with talking monkeys)
Writers: Oh man, the credits on this thing read like a family tree of hack screenwriters. Let’s see if I can get this right….
Adam Rifkin
(who write and directed Detroit Rock City….enough said)
Begat / was replaced by
Peter Jackson
(until he got smart and went back to Heavenly Creatures)
Begat/was replaced by
Oliver Stone
(who was on drugs and wanted to do something about the Bible Code w/ monkeys….)
Begat/brought on
Terry Hayes
(who wrote Vertical Limit and From Hell, which there are special spots in hell for)
Begat/was replaced by
Chris Columbus
(who wrote a script with monkeys skiing and playing baseball)
Begat/brought onMy friend/your buddy, the legendary schlockmeister Sam Hamm
Begat Was replaced by
James Cameron
(after Chris Columbus left to direct JINGLE ALL THE WAY, what does it say about a project when you leave it to work on JINGLE ALL THE WAY?…Cameron got smart and went back to Titantic)
Begat/Was replaced by William Broyles, Jr.
(who is a great writer…did Cast Away, Apollo 13 and Jarhead, says he only took the project on because it offered a lot of creative control, and I believe him!)
Begat/Needed Help From
Lawrence Konner and Market Rosenthal
(These guys have worked on more bad films than anybody I can name off the top of my head. If there’s a multiplex in hell, odds are these guys are raking it up….the even worse monkey movie, The Mighty Joe Young, Mona Lisa Smile, Mercury rising, The Beverly Hillbillies, Star Trek IV, Super Man IV, and The Jewel of the Nile)
If these were people mating, by this point we’ve have a hair-covered mongolid with buck teeth, five eyes. Rather, we have a film that was still being written while in the midst of shooting.
Speaking of …. wo would be interested in a Planet of the Apes script review marathon?
Premise: An astronaut enters a time warp and crash lands on a planet a thousand years in the future, which happens to be taken over by monkeys. This astronaut leads an uprising with the help of one liberal ass monkey, Ari, who if she was a college girl would be the kind who is vegan and dabbles in bisexuality.
About: The film made money, but when Tim Burton was asked if he wanted to do a sequel said he’d rather jump out a window. Keep in mind, I’m not reviewing the film (I’ve never seen it and after reading this never will) but rather, I’m reviewing the screenplay. The film did well at the Razzies, being nominated for Worst Remake and Worst Supporting Actors. I feel closer to Tim Roth, who after watching the movie twice commented “I still don’t understand it”. Seriously, does this even count as a film?
I used to like Tim Burton when he was good (up until Ed Wood) and how he’s completely made a joke out of himself “re-imagining” (aka re-shooting or…fumbling over his feet) film classics. I can say without any reasonable doubt that his Alice and Wonderland film will be abysmal. He doesn’t get the point of many of his films, and Planet of the Apes is absolutely the point in case.Now, before I talk about the thematic failure of this script, I’d like to say I don’t really dig the original Planet of the Apes. Don’t get me wrong, I see why it’s monumental and the idea was probably pretty awesome if you were a kid and didn’t give too much about structure, character development or thematic points. There are monkey that are humans and the humans are monkeys. This fails for the same reason Hollow Man does, there really isn’t that much else to go off of.
Air Force Captain, Leo Davidson, crash lands his ship, Oberon, on a distant planet. He encounters a bunch of human nomads led by Karubi and his daughter Daena and is capture along with the apes. Later he’s traded by Limbo, and purchased by Ari, the hippie chick who liberates him. Eventually this group of half monkey-half human-all outlaws goes up against the soldiers, Thade and Attar. That’s it. It’s the point of the original film all over again. Minus the interesting dialogue. Minus the shock value of the first time. Minus the anti-war message during the height of the Vietnam War. (Summer of 2001 wasn’t that turbulent).
This film is like that one friend who isn’t particularly bright, but is always trying to say something clever. Several times, there’s lines that made me go… OH now they’re going to introduce a thematic point to this or relate this to something or a character is going to change or something is going to happen that puts this film all into perspective. But no, Planet of the Apes never achieved meaning. If you’ve seen Spartacus, the original Planet of the Apes, or Gladiator this film is completely predictable in every angle.
That is it, except for the ending, which is nonsensical and makes you scratch your head and wonder what the hell’s happening. To give it away, Leo goes into another time warp and back to regular time, 2029, to discover monkeys have taken over the planet and rewritten history. I’m not really sure how this worked, and is totally a cop-out to any real ending but it’s crappy enough that it will probably be the only thing I ever remember a month or two from now.
So in conclusion, while films can sometimes be saved by lack of thematic point if the characters are interesting or the dialogue sparkles, this film is absolutely flat. It’s not terrible. I mean, it works. It’s just immensely unsatisfying and dull. It provides absolutely no thrills, though. And has no reason for existing.
Scooby Doo (Complete Crap)
Atilla (Poor, Few Redeeming Qualities)
[ X ] - Wedding Crashers (Mediocre)
Hot Rod (Good)
Definitely Maybe (Pretty Darn Good)
Helena Bonham: the poor man's Isla
Isla Prospects: I’ve often reflect that Helena Bonham Carter is a lot like Isla. Only paler, weirder, more creative, and more prone to dressing up as old women. Isla could have done this. It wouldn’t have made her a star, and I think she would have played the character for more laughs. But it would’ve given her one more mediocre film along the line of Wedding Crashers and Confessions.
What I Learned: High Concept without Theme is like a BMW without an engine. It looks pretty. Seems like it’d go really fast. But ultimately, ends up in the ditch by your driveway collecting dust.
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